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Bikers Encyclopedic
Guide to Tools
...and their usage
Extremely
helpful for the average home mechanic... ;o)
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the arm
and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint & rust off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to
say, "Ouch..."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age. Can also be utilized for dulling drill
bits.
PLIERS: A special tool used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
your hand.
OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 11 or
12mm socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
CRESCENT WRENCH: A wrench that you can never get to fit the nut tight
enough to keep it from slipping off just when you apply a lot of pressure, peeling skin off your knuckles. Known by the British as an
"Adjustable Spanner".
HYDRAULIC BOTTLE JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG PIECE OF 2x2": Used for levering a car upward
off a hydraulic jack handle.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbours to see if he has another
hydraulic bottle jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood or metal splinters.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog poop off your boot.
STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on
everything you forgot to disconnect.
STANLEY 1/2" x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably
has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
 PIT
OR TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside,
it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells
were used during the first few hours of the D-Day landings. More often dark than light, its
name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 75p part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. Thumbs included.
LEVEL: A device used to prove to your wife that the door you just
replaced in the bathroom is indeed straight.
TAPE MEASURE: A telescoping device used for measuring lengths; has
sequential numbers & a whole bunch of little marks on it between those
numbers.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
PROTECTIVE GLASSES: A safety device that you always forget to use until
after you need it.
PARTS/SHOPPING LIST: A scrap of paper that has meticulously recorded your needs &
you discover you have lost after you have driven 20 miles to the hardware store, & you are getting so forgetful that you can only
remember 2 of the 12 items that were on it.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next
tool that you will need.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which
somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in
foresight.
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